January Gauntlet, 2-26-09

Arriving here I wasn’t expecting what happened to me in the first week. I was open and wanted to learn. However I was scared once everything hit the fan, I honestly didn’t realize exactly how big of a commitment this was. Only that God had a plan for me to come to Honor Academy thus I needed to obey his will. The sessions and activities were amazing. I realized how many questions that had been left unanswered I had in my life. And here the things I longed to understand Jesus is beginning to explain to me. A big one was about the Bride of Christ, and how we all are that. I never understood it till then. Fear of Man really was an eye opener to things I need to deal with in my life. The rope course also was a big impact it showed me exactly some of the things I am doing that I need to change such as Self-doubt and Self-worth to major conspiracies in my life.

Since I came here God has been teaching me. Every day a new trial comes to haunt me push me away from this calling. Sometimes the change is small sometimes it’s big. In the end I’m learning to see myself in the eyes of the Lord not in my carnal mindset. I am his alone the world doesn’t have a hold on me. I gave up so much that week not really things that are considered sins more like idols that I held onto, but knew in my spirit it wasn’t right to have them. Once I gave them up it felt so right to do so. People might think I’ve always been this way. I wasn’t I did choose to be open however I didn’t know how I was going to give up things to God. But I allowed myself to walk in Faith. Coming to Honor Academy was the first step and now it going farther.

At first I was really nervous, insecure, and shy really around my Core. I didn’t understand why God put me with this set of girls and a part of me wanted to rebel because I missed my Gauntlet Core but still a part of me accepted it. For I knew it was God’s plan and not me, and though I’m good friends with Abby Steely. I just didn’t know if in her core I’d be challenged the way I needed to be. In my core Hearts Afire I’m tested big time I love it. I can tell the girls are so loving and passionate for God. I’m learning from them in so many ways of maturity and self worth. All these things I struggle with they’ve done similarly I feel such a strong bond with them then I ever felt with any other group of people I’ve been around.

In some ways I believe God is planning to teach me humility in my Ministry Placement. I wanted something where I’d be out there and seen. Or not in a desk job like my mom, however I’m okay with it. It took some time but I’m really starting to see things in the right mindset. He wants me to be low to finally accept things humbly that has almost always been a problem for me. Still I won’t contain myself to be invisible and I’ll bring in my strong points to help others. I believe also he wants me to work on discipline to do what I’m supposed to do in the amount of time it’s supposed to be done.

Through January a lot trials faced me. The second day I was beginning to want to go home, but I stayed. I’ve chosen not to let my flesh control my actions and to live humbly. I’m not saying I’m there yet. I still have much to face, and it won’t be easy. But the Lord has told me time and time again these past months “Press into me and you will make it through every trial, and adversity you face.” And I shall keep myself open to learn because I am coming into this Internship wanting to be trained, and discover how to be the daughter God has called me to be. I won’t let this year be a waste for it is the year Lord wants to start molding me towards a healthy life of faith, boldness, love, and Christ. Thus I will accept it with my whole heart even when my fleshly desires want me to go home.